Cover your eyes kids!!!


Ahh, the bane of many, the unintended (hopefully) offensiveness, the “butt” of jokes, yes people, the Moose Knuckle, a blokes version of a camel toe!

Now, it can never be claimed the Smudge is stylish, nor a cycling snob, as his taste in clothes, as is his taste in bikes, is eclectic to say the least. I was known to arrive one TDU wearing a Leggera kit, which I thought was nice, as it went with the bike, but the knicks were red, the chamois was more of a sanitary pad, and therefore, the support for Big Ed & the twins was pretty much non existent. I, of course, was blissfully unaware of my fashion faux pas, and thought the young Asian girls lining up to have a photo taken with me, giggling and smiling was all just good fun!

It was only on arriving back at the trailer park, where attention was drawn to the fact that the junk in my trunk was accentuated in this kit, did I take the time to actually look in the mirror, and see what others had been seeing! So it would seem that red knicks with minimalistic chamois are not all that I thought they were!

Why do I reflect on this now, and admit to having committed this sin myself? Well I was attending Mass last night, (Critical that is, not the guilt ridden kind!), where one of the participants was bravely parading in a kit, with a moose knuckle that a Mountie would be proud of! I think that he was unaware of his affliction, and he was extremely proud of the bargain kit that he had bought from an online retailer at a very cheap price!

Guys, yes, some of these sites have some unreal bargains, and I used to have a few of them in my collection, but unless they offer a description of the chamois too, be careful what you are buying! I know, not everyone wants to ride crazy arsed distances, and might think that the chamois is unimportant, as it is only protecting your butt, but it is not as simple as that! If people wanted to look at meat and two veg, they’d either go to the supermarket, or go to a place that provides entertainment of that nature! We don’t really need to see it out on rides! Well, I should say, while you’re riding it’s possibly ok, but when we’re duck marching around in our cleats, nobody wants to see the duck eggs being juggled!

I think we need to take a leaf out of the girls book here, and some of our other male riding companions who do fancy themselves a bit, and check ourselves out in the mirror before we hit the streets! If you can see Wang happy dancing in the mirror, please, don’t be thinking it’s a great look for you, and that everyone else must share in the gift of your gaberdine, stop, go back to your wardrobe, and put something else on over the top!

Good knicks are not always the most expensive, although some of the more expensive ones are freaking awesome, you can pick up some quality ones on closeout special from a number of the more reputable cycling apparel stores. Or, save up for a little while longer, and buy yourself something classy to ride in. They really do feel so much better than the cheapies, and generally, they will last longer too as they have been made from a higher quality material!

If you really, genuinely, desperately, cannot afford a better quality knick, go the black ones! No other colours, just black. Not a little bit of black, not part black, not a light black, full, dark, black. This will be the least obtrusive way of smuggling budgees.

Or, shameless product promotion here, have a look at www, for some real quality kit, at what might be a higher price than you might normally pay, but the quality of the kit is so worth the money you are paying. If you like it, but don’t want to pay retail, (seriously, who ever pays retail now?), use the discount code of “Smudge64”, for 25% off the price!

That, or keep an eye out on Cell or Torpedo 7, as these two locallish companies often have some great specials on kit!

Remember, you might think you look like Jake the Peg, but to the rest of us, it just looks like you’re being a knob!!!

Stay stylish!